The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

I thought I would care more. All I could do was shrug and delete the message without replying. I gave up a while ago. I just don't care much anymore as darkness claims my soul. I knew instantly that I got a message but still took my sweet time to view it. I read it a couple times. I always thought that if you sent me a message it would be a door to finally getting answers. All the dreams, and everything else that I spent years to figure out, left me feeling nothing. I guess I finally reached the point where your existence means nothing to me anymore. Maybe I mistook you for someone else. Or maybe I've lost my way so much now I'm forever lost. It's not just you,so don't feel special. Another shared my heart but I gave up on him a while back. Even when he tried to get my attention again I still felt nothing. But with you, I always felt something different, until this morning when I realized you no longer had a part of my heart.Even if you called today promising answers I'm not even sure if I would answer the phone to be honest. It feels strange to admit the empty feeling that I have succumbed to. All my life my dreams always came true and have some meaning behind them. ,until now. Now I'm not even researching on them. I never thought I would see the day to come, where I stopped caring about everything.

I should really start paying attention to who I send messages to. Tonight while going thru my sent box I realized I sent messages to the wrong people. Lol oops. Well since no one replied back tells me that chances are my messages were promptly deleted. Oh well no harm, no foul.



I'm still trying to not let my anger get the best of me. I have found that immersing myself in various hobbies is helping keep those feelings at bay.



Things have stopped spiraling for the moment. I am doing my best to not let my problems drown me. I have decided to quit hoping for some sort of social interaction. I'm just giving into loneliness and emptiness. Why should I keep struggling for someone who will understand me and be there for me no matter what? I can't keep chasing dreams. I have to accept my fate.

Are things getting better? No, not really. I lied in my last entry. It turns out, I can be more pissed off. Today was an awful day. People who don't really know me well decided to hurt me in a way I didn't think about. Now I hunger for revenge. I know karma will sort itself out and these people will get what they have coming to them. It's just taking too long. I miss the good old days in which people feared me for a reason. Now people don't know me but are on defense around me. When I smile I can see them flinching. I don't seem to belong any where. My social interactions are becoming rare. The minute I start to talk I can see them trying to find ways to hurt me in some way. I can't understand why. Have I become terrifying? I don't really know anymore. I can feel my anger building. I'm trying to be a better monster, because I have to be. It seems like as the years go on I am transforming into something else. I have given up on the entire race because the world gave up on me.

I've never been so pissed off before.

I'm not sleeping again. Looking back I enjoyed the month of deep sleep I was getting. Now I am trying to figure out how to make my nights go faster. Everything is going to hell. My unhappiness has returned. I'm lonely with no one to talk to. All these problems keeps snow balling on me. My love and forgiveness is turning into hatred and distaste. I'm struggling more and more each day brings on another problem to bury me. I can't get ahead. For the first time in my life I am starting to realize I'm not just cursed in the love department but in everything in this wretched life. I fought so hard to stay alive all these years only to end up with nothing. My heart has never healed from being broken for so many times. In this life people have gone out of their way to harm me in every way possible so its hard for me to trust anyone. I spent weeks with no appetite now I'm eating constantly. It doesn't matter what I eat I'm still hungry. I feel like I've gained more pounds than I lost. Which is agitating me to no end. I've always sort of hated my body thanks to growing up with a critical mother. I grew up with people making fun of me because of my height and everything about me to be honest. Now I hate my body just because of the constant reminder of the car accident.



I moved here for a better life and have done my best to achieve that. Still not making it. I'm so lost

Damn it . Damn it. Damn it